COLUMN: Forget wasps, Rice should study what it already has -- mosquitoes

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by Amarnath Pai

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Wasps ! Can you believe we're wasting quality research time studying angry little creatures whose sole purpose in life is to viciously sting out our eyeballs? We shouldn't be studying these things; we should be barbecuing them with blowtorches.

"But wait," you say. "If we don't study wasps, what will the Biology department do with its spare time?"

Plenty. Just off the top of my head I can think of a dozen far more useful, non-wasp-related areas of biological research Rice might want to pursue. For instance:

* Mosquito eradication. Here is an interesting tidbit you may not have known: Rice University, and in fact all of Houston, was built on a swamp. Now, I am no civil engineer, but it seems to me that a swamp is not the sort of place where you want to put a major city. This is because (stay with me here): It's very swampy .

In the last few weeks the rain has been intense and, as a result, mosquitoes now swarm about in packs of thousands, molesting innocent passersby and spreading all kinds of disease.

You can't walk outside for five minutes without being besieged by these infernal bloodsucking creatures. It's only a matter of time until someone contracts malaria and it results in an epidemic of chilling proportions.

I think we need to figure out how to get rid of these pests once and for all. Two ideas to get the research started:

1) Tactical Nuclear Strike on Houston. Pros: Mosquitoes would all get radiation sickness and die slow, miserable deaths. Cons: Houston citizens would mutate, become vile spawn of Satan and harass pedestrians.

2) Spray some kind of toxic gas on Rice. Pros: Mosquitoes would eventually choke to death and go away. Cons: Entire Rice population becomes sterile. Some might say this is a "pro."

* Krill breeding. Krill, in case you don't remember, are microscopic sea organisms that blue whales eat in mass quantities.

For some strange reason, krill never show up on the Central Kitchen's menu. Why not? They would be a tasty and nutritious alternative to Lentil Patties or Mystery Spooge or whatever CK's latest concoction is. Imagine huge steaming platters of krill on every table. Imagine contented sighs as the piquant aroma of krill fills the air.

Imagine one person after another murmuring "Mmm ... krillicious ..." And even if our crack Bios researchers couldn't breed billions, a thousand or so krill could replace, ketchup, ham and other staples.

God knows krill couldn't possibly be worse than that "Molly McButter" crap. You may think I'm "wacky on the junk" for suggesting that we eat these timid sea creatures, but they laughed at Joseph K. Shrimp, too. And now he's a millionaire.

So forget about wasps, bios people. We've got bigger fish to fry. Let's conquer mosquitoes and breed tasty krill.

Amarnath Pai is a Will Rice College sophomore.

This item appeared in the Opinion section of the October 4, 1996 issue.

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